Operation: Love! Bonding the Tigress and the Lily!
by Materia-Blade
Summary: When Kuno stumbles upon an wellkept secret that being that his tigress loves his lily he begins a conquest to bring Ranmachan and Akane together in order to give them the strength to defeat Soutome's sorcery! Of course, Kuno always was an idiot...
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** Don't Own Ranma Dangit.

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**Operation Love: Bonding the Tigress and the Lily!**

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**Prologue: An Out Of Place Comment**

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It was an unusual day for one Tatewaki Kuno. It had been a long time since he had had such a day of clear-minded thinking. 

Of course, dear reader, we know that for Tatewaki, clear minded was what most people thought of as drunk three times over the legal limit.

But, in any case, Kuno felt himself truly befuddled and he was glad he was so capable of thinking today.

It had been one of the less painful days. He had skipped class today in order to think about the problem that had arisen, and so, was not sent rocketing into the air, or walls, or ground, by either of the roses of beauty to whom he pledged his affection. Pain of course, did not mean much to him. He was a Kuno! As thick-headed as he was thick skinned.

"Now that doesn't sound quite right…" He thought to himself. He had been so sure he was thinking clearly today and then a thought like _that_ came into his mind. Hmm.

He was currently sitting in a meditative position in his room. Not the room that he usually slept in, but his other room. His most private of private rooms in which he kept his most personal belongings and his most treasured memories. No photographs of his loves were in here. Not yet. Not until they were freed from the sorcerer Saotome could he let either of them into this sanctuary. They and they're beauty could not befuddle his mind here.

It came to him that he wasn't really sure if the situation was so dire that it needed such deep thought. Then again… yes… yes it was.

Meditation had always been a primary aspect of his life. It was one of the things that made him so irresistible to the opposite gender. His calm and his ability to feel completely in touch with himself, so much so that his skills in martial arts and prowess in financial workings were undeniably perfect made him this way.

Of course, dear reader, you know that this is undeniably false. However, in order to look into the mind of Kuno Tatewaki, once must overlook such things in light of the fact that you are looking into the mind of a complete lunatic.

Oddly enough however, this lunatic had stumbled onto a rather uncannily true idea.

"I know exactly what she said, but I just can hardly believe it… And Saotome surely could not be involved in this… If he knew he would surely end it for he in his evil, could only want my tigress and lily to love him and only him. So… bah! It makes no sense!" Kuno shouted to himself in a fit of confusion.

He calmed himself and closed his eyes once more, and began to think. It was here that he thought of the most pressing matters; if this wasn't a pressing matter nothing was.

"I remember it exactly. I was about to lay a blow on the shoulder of the lush Akane Tendo's person when it happened." He murmured, his eyes still closed recalling the picture in his mind.

_"Have at thee fair Akane! I strike!" He shouted, charging at Akane who's back was turned to face the other way. _

_In that very instant a blur of red dashed in front of his vision, halting his forward swing completely. Cold eyes of anger burned through even the thick layer of stupidity clouding Kuno's mind and if the eyes burned, then the words cut through like a razor blade._

"_Never strike her from behind Kuno. Don't you ever lay a finger on her. I won't let you or anyone hurt her." His flame-haired goddess spoke in a tone that made goddess seem an understatement. She spoke quietly though, so the beauteous Tendo did not hear or see. She appeared to have not noticed at all. _

_So shocked was Tatewaki that he did not ever see her move again and could not recall how he ended up on the far side of the city in a trash can when he awoke some twenty minutes later._

And now he pondered.

"Never strike her from behind Kuno." He began. "Don't you ever lay a finger on her." He paused once more and thought, then continued. "I won't let you, or anyone hurt her…" He trailed off in slight bewilderment.

Three days ago, the cur Ranma Saotome and the lovely Akane Tendo had been pledged to wed. Well, he put a fine stop to that! But for some reason before that they had all been gone in China or some such. That's what Nabiki had told him.

Now just yesterday, the pigtailed girl said this.

This could only mean one thing!

That… that… that…

"The pigtailed girl is in love with Akane Tendo?" Sasuke questioned from behind him in an exasperated tone.

"Fool! I knew that!" Kuno shouted at his impish ninja servant.

"Took you long enough to figure it out…" Sasuke muttered under his breath. "I've known that for over a year…"

"Never before has she shown interest in Akane Tendo! It is wrong and unclean!" Kuno exclaimed. "A woman cannot bear love for another woman! No child could come from that! The lord Kami-sama does not condone… wait…"

Gears that had rarely been used began to click in Kuno's mind. Gears that, for all intensive purposes, shouldn't exist due to eighteen plus years of abuse began to twist and churn and bring forth an idea.

The pig-tailed girl loves Akane… if that went both ways… then my two most wonderful rose's of femininity would be in love with each other…

"Really?" Sasuke questioned sarcastically.

"Quiet, Sasuke. I'm thinking." Kuno said.

Remember, dear reader, that Kuno's eyes are still closed, both physically and metaphorically; his mind, however, is actively creating scenarios. Twisted ones of course. Sasuke had, many times over, attempted to get the point across to his master that Ranma Saotome and his Tree-Borne Kettle Girl were one in the same person.

"The fiendish Saotome surely works to prevent such a relationship. If it existed then that would mean their entire devotion was not to him…

Sasuke sighed in the background. He had no idea where it was going but it most likely meant more work for him.

"Now if I were to encourage that love… a love the both of them so desperately wish for… bonded allies in the face of the evil Saotome. If they were together… then… they could break Saotome's sorcery over them!"

"Pure genius, master Kuno." Sasuke panned. 'Sometimes I hate working for such an idiot. I wish he didn't pay so well…'

"Sasuke! Get me the middle Tendo Sis—" He halted himself abruptly. "No… this may need a more… deft touch… I shall do this on my own… If I can make this work, and surely I can for I am Tatewaki Kuno… they will fall in utter love with each other and break Saotome's foul curse by the end of the week! And then they will run to me and know my love is true! Ah! Can you see it Sasuke!?"

"Master Kuno… your brilliance never ceases to amaze me…" Sasuke panned once more. He had found that sucking up got him more money. Even if it was completely sarcastic. The Kuno's never understood sarcasm.

"Then! Let my master plan commence! Operation: Love! Bonding the Tigress and the Lily!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. At least it was entertaining.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

End Prologue

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It was originally title "The Kuno Liaison" but I decided the current title is funnier. Hope you like it! My life is shit so I write comedy! Enjoy!


	2. Chapter One

Blink Blink

Eighteen reviews? On a twelve hundred word prologue? Not too shabby! There will probably be more by the time I post this too. As I've said, life is shit so I write a comedy. To those who are annoyed by the "Dear reader" parts… eh.. I don't care. Sorry! Ya didn't complain when Carrotglace addressed the readers. (I think he did. It's been a while.)

Materia-Blade's Mood: **"Depressed."**

Materia-Blade's Marital Status: "**Single and Looking**"

Lol. Do any single women out there read my fics? Heh heh. Oh well. I probably won't date for the next year anyways… I am rather lonely nowadays though…

But that's why I first started writing anyways. So here ya go! Hope you enjoy it!

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**Operation: Love! Bonding the Tigress and the Lily!**

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**Chapter One: No One Knows How Close it Came**

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Ranma awoke early as he had ever since Saffron. Not as early as Kasumi, or even Akane for that matter, but he still awoke early enough to avoid being awoken by a bucket of water. He walked into the bathroom as Akane was leaving, her eyes weary, yet still surprised at seeing him awake in the early morning once more. 

Few people noticed it but the events on Mount Phoenix really _had_ changed him. He was now a little bit more aloof. A little bit more mature. A little bit… better than he used to be.

His clothes were slightly more sophisticated as he had taken to wearing the white Chinese shirt instead of the red one. He would run a comb through his hair every now and then, and while it didn't do much, it did give him a little bit of a more mature look with his hair not flying in all directions. When he was a girl in made him look downright elegant, almost no matter what he wore.

All in all, Saffron had made him a much more serious and down to earth person. Able to stand in the face of danger with a cold smile instead of the childish smirk he once wore.

"Eeeeeeek! C-c-_cat!"_

…

Or not.

Ranma came barreling out of the bathroom in stark terror, plowing over Akane, who had been blearily walking down the stairs almost at the bottom, knocking her flat on her face in his eagerness to escape.

"Ranma, you idiot!" She moaned, pealing her face off the wooden floor to see Ranma's retreating form, and a small curiously purple cat chasing him.

"Get it away from me! Get it away from me!" came his anguished wails.

Akane glowered. "Why you… pervert!!!" She screamed realizing that he had been alone in the bathroom with the cat, that she had not seen when she was in the bathroom.

Of course, dear reader, as you must know, Akane Tendo is _also_ a martial artist of great caliber. There is no way that Shampoo could have been in the bathroom while she was there without her sensing it meaning that she must have come into the bathroom through the window to rendezvous with Ranma alone.

…

In her mind at least. Though it is quite obvious that, while Miss Tendo has infinitely more brain capacity than a certain several members of the Kuno clan, she is not without flaws.

Withdrawing a Kunai that was curiously placed right beside the staircase she stood and began the chase, deciding that this would do instead of her morning run.

Nabiki sat on the couch watching in amusement as her coffee began to take effect. It had been some time since Ranma had been chased by a cat. Even if it was Shampoo. It was much more fun when a completely normal cat chased Ranma. It made it all the more humiliating for the poor boy.

Now, as you know dear reader, Nabiki is a rather cold person. Manipulative at the very least, and down right heinous at her most, she did still have emotion though. Her heart went out to the boy Saotome. He was single handedly the most unlucky person she had ever met. Not to mention one the most kind and honorable people she'd ever met. If a little stupid.

But, if kind and honorable people made her money like Ranma did then she'd use every one of them!

Meanwhile, outside, Ranma was halfway to the school wearing only those unusual pajama shorts and tank top that he always wore. He ran along the fence desperately looking back to see the cat bounding along behind him on the fence. A tiger chasing him. That's what Shampoo's cat form seemed in his eyes anyway.

Behind them Akane was yelling some nonsensical blurb about how Ranma come back and take the punishment of her divine retribution.

Ranma didn't listen to her. After all dear readers, would you listen to a loudmouthed girl if there was a tiger chasing you? Even if you loved the girl?

Splash!

The ladle lady chuckled as her target sped by though she did it silently. It wouldn't do for the young folks of the town to find out she was Xianghua, of the Lucid School of Tactics and Ninjetical Training. Then she would probably be brought into the mess, and that just wouldn't do. Ranma Saotome, ever since she'd first discovered his unusual affliction to water, had been the most entertainment she'd had since she'd tossed a young girl in China named Cologne into a well some two hundred years ago!

Cologne was still on the lookout for the one who did it! Ha! Served the snot-nosed child right!

But back to Ranma, dear readers.

Ranma was nearing the school, not having actually noticed that she had changed forms when she slowed. She had lost Shampoo a little while ago, and Akane was missing too. Perfect in her opinion.

She felt the odd weight on her chest and looked down to find herself female…

Wearing practically nothing…

Standing in front of the school…

Where the upward side of four hundred boys were staring at her tank-topped bra-less chest.

"Why in the heck did I end up _here?_" She asked the Kami as she crossed her hands over her chest in embarrassment.

It did not help when one of the boys made a wolf like whistle.

Indignantly she turned and started back towards the Tendo household. It was far to early for this nonsense. Why was Shampoo in the bathroom?

Why…?

"Fair tree borne kettle girl… dost something trouble thy beauteous self?" Came the voice of one Tatewaki Kuno.

Ranma sighed. "This is gonna be a _baaad_ day…" She murmured. "Come on, Kuno… lets just get this over with…" She sight dejectedly as she turned and set herself into a stance.

Another whistle came from the crowd of lusty boys standing, for the most part, behind the tall fence surrounding the school grounds. Her movement made her chest bounce, and is was a cold morning, if any of you readers catch that implication.

"Nay… I woulds't know the reason for your state of dress… or lack there of?" Kuno questioned. His eyes drifted to her breasts as well.

Ranma abandoned the stance, crossing her hands over her breasts once more… It was too early in the morning for this… Seven O'clock and she was _still_ going to be late!

"Ah well, tis no matter. I shall see you again, my tigress. Your discomfort is obvious. Be of good cheer, till we meet again!" Kuno said lightly as he turned and began to walk towards the school.

Ranma blinked. And blinked again. "W-wait what?"

Kuno continued walking, confusing Ranma even more.

"Hey Kuno! W-what are you doing?" Ranma asked, still confused as his lack of… well… _attention._

"I am going to this fine estate of learning. Is there a problem? Do you require assistance?" He asked, politely.

Ranma was rightfully freaked out now. "No no! I'm fine! Uh… see ya!"

"Oh wait!" Kuno said just before she could make a run for it. She stopped, though why she wasn't quite sure.

"Do not fear, my tigress, about your love for the lily of my affection."

Ranma blinked. "What?" She asked, confused.

"I approve, my Oh pigtailed one. I would not frown on your love as that foul cur Saotome would. Alas, you are still under his spell and I seek recompense this fine day. So till we meet again, I bid you adieu." Kuno made a grand bow as he finished.

You see, dear reader, that Kuno even does not know what he means. He had truly not expected to meet with his pigtailed girl or Akane Tendo on this morn, which explained his reasons for being at the school so early. So, in saying that he sought recompense, he was simply making up a sentence worthy of getting him away from his goddess. Much as it pained him.

"Uh… yeah…" Ranma replied just before she dashed away almost as fast as when she'd been running from the cat. Something was just… off… about Kuno today.

"Give my finest to the fair Akane, as well, Pigtailed one! Tell her I'm sorry I won't be able to grace either of you with my presence today. I shall be leaving early, for I have urgent business to attend to. Fare thee well!" Kuno exclaimed after her retreating form. Then he turned and entered the school gate.

Ranma slowed as he began and was halted by the time he finished. 'My day just got… better?' She thought.

An ill-foreboding rang throughout the city. Animals fled and children began to wail with the unusual sixth sense that they seem to hold. People all across Nerima began to feel cold-chills as Ranma's day… got… better…

Ranma too felt the foreboding.

"I'm gonna die." She sighed, knowing this thought for true, and began to walk towards the Tendo compound with the gait of one who had accept the snake eyes that the dice of life had dealt them.

After walking home, her face heated from the comments she received during the walk, she began to open the gate only to see Akane running back towards him from the other direction.

"Hey Ranma! Shouldn't you be dressed?" Akane teased. Apparently she had cooled off since earlier. Mayhap she realized that Shampoo had really simply been waiting for Ranma?

Ranma glowered at the comment, her cheeks turning redder still.

"How far did you go? You looked like you made it all the way to the school!" Akane laughed cheerfully as they entered the gate together. "Bet that was embarrassing."

"I… didn't make it quite that far… but Akane. Did you feel something really weird just a little while ago? About ten or fifteen minutes?" Ranma asked, more to change the subject, but her curiosity was wondering too. Especially curious was Akane's anger. Or lack of anger. Again Ranma felt the foreboding.

Akane however, looked bewildered. "No. What are you talking about?"

You see, dear reader, that while it is true that Akane _may_ _be_ a martial artist, she in truth has as much ability to sense danger as a brick. That being, not much. So therefore, said bad-feeling of foreboding, slid over her like water sliding across a windshield.

"Well… I just got rid of Kuno… without… hitting him." Ranma stuttered, not quite sure how to explain the strange phenomenon.

To say Akane was _shocked _was to say that a hurricane was a little breezy. Now that it was thrown directly in her face, fear began to wash over her. She shivered more than enough to make up for the sense of foreboding that she complexly missed.

"W-what happened! Did… did he kiss you?"

"No, stupid!" Ranma shouted. "What was 'zat supposed to mean!"

Akane shrugged, feeling a little bit stupid herself for that one. "Just a question…" she put in meekly. "So what _did_ happen?!" She shouted her fire returning instantly.

"Well, I was just slowing down because I'd finally lost Shampoo when…"

And so, the short story of Ranma's unusual run-in with Kuno was rehashed to Akane. Then the better news, of Kuno being gone for today was given to her. Her shivering increased tenfold.

"Akane do you know what this means!" Ranma cried just after she finished the tale.

Akane nodded solemnly. "We're gonna die."

Ranma nodded as well. "There's no way we could be that lucky without dieing the next day."

They looked at each other… and sighed.

"Nice knowin' ya Akane-chan." Ranma murmured.

"You too, Ranma…"

With that they entered the household.

"Oh my! You missed breakfast Ranma-kun! I'm really sorry, but it was getting cold so I gave your plate to Akane when she got back. What took you so long?" Kasumi said simultaneously with the shutting of the front door.

Ah. There, dear reader, is why Akane lost her anger. She had found a way to hit Ranma harder than mallets and kunai.

Ranma glared. "Why you! Whad'ja do that for!?"

Akane just smiled innocently. "Well, like she said. It was getting cold…"

Akane walked away, swaying her hips just so and exited the living room heading down the hallway.

Ranma's eye twitched. "Uncute tomboy!" She shouted. No answer came.

Ranma threw up her hands and ran up the stairs.

"There's hot water on the burner for you Ranma-kun!" Kasumi shouted after him.

Ranma sighed, in relief this time. "Thanks Kasumi!" She shouted back down the stairs.

She entered the room she and her father shared and began to get dressed for the day.

She sighed. She, or he depending on the situation, had gotten along much better with Akane lately. Not… _much_ better. But better at least.

"No one knows how close I came to losing her…" Ranma sighed. She knew. And so did Akane. They weren't really making much progress but… they did try to get along better. They both knew now that the other meant… _something_ to them.

Neither was quite sure what; Ranma did know that he or she would feel utterly empty if Akane died or left. If that meant anything.

The snoring panda grunted. He was sleeping in abnormally late this morning.

Putting her previous line of thought into the back of her mind, Ranma suddenly quirked a devious smile and withdrew a bucket of freezing water.

"Hello Mister Panda…" She cooed as she tiptoed forward ever so slowly.

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Tatewaki Kuno, The Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, Rising Star of High School Kendo Clubs Across Tokyo, Age seventeen, Upperclassman, felt like crap. 

"Why! Why must It hurt me so! It is much to rare that my tigress is able to be graced with my presence! O why! Why must today be the day of my scheming!" He exclaimed as he walked away from the school.

"Hmm, it's probably because you picked today to begin, sir." Sasuke breathed. He was carting the Kuno around in that unusual wagon that Tatewaki rarely used. The one that made him feel like a pack horse. He really did hate his job.

"Silence Sasuke! I must think. I will find any crevice in this, most secret of plans, and fill it!" He exclaimed, to the world.

A passing okonomiyaki chef heard of this, "most secret of plans" and decided that it warranted a small bit of eve's dropping. Secret plans were most entertaining!

"The pigtailed girl and Akane Tendo must be brought together, but they have shown signs of dislike for each other at times. I have seen them bantering angrily at one another... Still this does seem like it will work. For what more could two women want?" Kuno mumbled.

The okonomiyaki chef's eyes widened. Something was unusual here.

"Dah! Ha hahah! My plan is fool-proof! I can find no flaw!" The crazed kendoist exclaimed.

The okonomiyaki chef felt happy for the insane man in the wagon. He wished him well in his crazed "secret plan." He turned and began to walk away feeling content pushing his cart along, on his way towards Juuban. He'd heard tell of a blonde who could eat with enough fervor to keep him comfortable for years and he intended to find her.

Meanwhile, Kuno was still ranting. "I must first be on my way. Urawa has a large enough place to suit my needs."

It was true. Urawa was a large city that was a significant distance from Tokyo by foot. It held exactly what he needed.

"To Urawa Sasuke!" Tatewaki shouted.

"Yes, master Kuno." Sasuke sighed, wondering dejectedly why Kuno couldn't just take one of the family limousines.

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As it turns out, dear reader, Kuno's plan was not necessarily doomed to fail. Had he been trying to make any other two women fall in love, it truly wouldn't have been that bad an idea. 

At least, it wouldn't have been doomed to fail… if anyone _other_ than Kuno were the one carrying it out.

But again, Tatewaki Kuno is, for lack of a better word, retarded.

So… who knows what could happen?

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**End Chapter**

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Whew! That was fun! Heh. Hope you had as much fun readin' as I did writing! I been writing constantly today! Heck I might start continuing on chapter two now! I got a good what... five hours before work? Why not!? Oh, but while your at it, please **"Leave A Review!"**

I know the questions seems like a "Be Kind Please Rewind" sign at blockbuster that no one EVER payed attention too, but still. I like them. They are cool. Even if you think it's complete and utter bullsh.

And One more thing. To those who commented on the "Dear Reader" parts. No offence meant by what I said above. I mean I really don't care if you don't like them but don't take offence from it. Okay? Please? Thank you and sorry. Have a good afternoon!


	3. Chapter Two

Life is now in a quazi-state of good and bad. I don't get women. At all. Period. Why are they so… soo… soooo… !!!! I don't understanddanmitallarrg!

So… maybe life isn't so good yet… my ex girlfriend breaks up with her boyfriend thinking she wants me back and now the damn girl seems to be actually avoiding me!

I just don't understand… Maybe I'm just not cut out for dating? I know I look pretty good… 160 lbs, 5'11" green eyes, sandy hair and a decent muscular build (though no six packs) is my profile. I don't think she finds me unattractive…

Ho hum…

Eh… eh… well… here it goes… I'll continue this comedic little romance once more. Enjoy my words and please feel free to comment on them. Heaven Knows I could use something to cheer me up… Mayhap writing this comedy will make me feel better…

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**Operation: Love! Bonding the Tigress and the Lily!**

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**Chapter Two: An Almost Planned Date**

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Tatewaki Kuno was pacing back and forth. The plan was going… well… according to plan. That was well and good. But the real question was how to entice his beloveds? 

He knew well how Saotome's curse had affected their beauteous minds. In light of this knowledge, he now understood that to be the reason for their constant rebuffing of his attempts to free them.

However, on occasion the two women seemed to be capable of breaking the spell and joining him temporarily.

He remembered well the date he had with the pigtailed girl almost a year before, when he resurrected the wishing sword's monument to her. He also remembered their vacation to the Island of Togenkyo and how they had broken free enough to accompany him on his voyage into the deep blue.

There were several other instances of course, dear readers, when Ranma Saotome and, or, Akane Tendo accompanied Kuno Tatewaki, but never had it occurred to the fool that they had _only_ done so for their own benefit.

So now he paced, contemplating the words he would use to convince them to attend his… ahem… invitation.

After some time pacing he realized that he would never be able to master his words. He never truly did, and he always operated the best when he let his words run from his heart.

In other words… he'd just wing it and see how it went.

"Surely this will work. It _must_ work…" He said to himself.

"Onward Sasuke! We ride to the Tendo Manor!"

"Yes, Master Kuno…" Sasuke panned. He then looked back and gave a devious wink at the pair of eyes standing just around a small back corner.

The pair of eyes nodded. Then they blinked once or twice. Then they nodded again. They appeared to be glowing with an inhuman flame.

Soon after that a mad, feminine laughter erupted from the mouth below the eyes encased in the darkness of the back corner. The laughter continued, haunting people thousands of miles away. Worms beneath the ground died in terror and the sun faded just a little with that terror-inspiring laugh. Then the laughter faded as the legs attached to the eyes and mouth mentioned above fled… It never quite disappeared though…

Kuno had been watching the whole time. The hair on the back of his neck had risen.

"Sasuke? I think perhaps you should cease in actually acquiring the Candy of the Nose for my sister when she asks. Perhaps you should just bring her some normal sugar instead? She is so much more… tolerable… if you do."

"I… agree master Kuno… I shall do my best…" Sasuke said, visibly shaken. Even Kodachi's laugh wasn't usually that… well…

"Words can no longer describe the terror she invokes in me, Sasuke… Please… if you never obey me again, do this… find my sister a new hobby. Her botany is…"

"I understand perfectly, Master Kuno…"

Kuno turned back towards the road ahead of them. "Now then, back to the plan. Onward!"

Sasuke began to lift and drag the cart carriage Kuno sat atop and slowly dragged it onto the road and towards the Tendo Dojo.

* * *

"Akane Tendo! Pigtailed Girl! I— Ooomph!" Kuno exclaimed. A foot protruding from his face made his speech rather quickly ended. 

"Not in the mood, Kuno." Akane removed her leg and replied tartly as several teeth fell from Tatewaki's mouth.

"Seriously, Kuno. It's Saturday!" said the fiend Saotome from his position lying prostrate on the roof of the dojo.

"Vile Sorcerer! Surely thou works thy magics on this day! I would'st see both the pigtailed-girl and Akane Tendo. But as always you hide one and leave the other to my sight, bewitched by your devilish spells!" Tatewaki deduced.

Ranma yawned. "Yup."

"So! Thou does't admit to thy sorcery!"

Again Ranma yawned, "Yeah, I did it. All that, er… stuff you just said."

Akane chuckled a bit.

A slight wind flowed to the north, whipping up skirts and hair alike. It was mid-morning on a very lazy seeming day. Birds were chirping and clothes were hanging on the lines out to dry.

A very good day considering it was ten thirty. Usually there was at least one hole in the wall of the Tendo Dojo compound by now.

Kasumi stood just outside the house hanging the remaining bits of laundry out to dry, humming and watching the exchange with mild interest.

"Fine then, sorcerer. I would ask that you would be so kind as to procure the pigtailed girl for me momentarily. We both know that you and I are the bitterest of rivals and I would not stand in your presence any longer than necessary."

Ranma's eyes widened. Akane's too.

"W… wait. No "Ranma-prepare-to-die?" No, "Vile-fiend-this-day-shall-be-your-last!?" What's this really about Kuno!?" Ranma asked, almost fearfully.

In truth said Saotome boy was terrified! Kuno, not attacking him on first sight!? By god! He really was going to die!

Akane too was looking at Kuno with wide eyes. Her arms were in front of her as if to ward him away from her. "Y-yeah! Kuno! What's going on here!?"

"My dearest Akane Tendo! Surely you know of the sorcery and underhandedness of this… cur…" Kuno muttered glancing up at Ranma, who also held his arms in a ready, warding, stance.

"I am simply being as underhanded as he! My plan is fool proof! Operation: L! BTTATL!" Kuno explained.

Sweat glistened on the back of Ranma's head.

"Bittattle?" Akane asked. "What's that!"

"Oh!" Kuno announced as if shocked. "Never you mind, my Lily! Alas, I need to see the pigtailed girl with you for a few moments."

Akane began blinking. Then, slowly, she put her hand towards his forehead. "Do you have a fever?"

Kuno's eyes brightened. "I thank you for your care my dear, nay, I have no sickness for your pure hands to tend. I'm sorry, fair Tendo. I must… have words… with that creature…" Kuno said pointing to Ranma, who hadn't moved an inch.

He leapt suddenly and landed on the roof next to a rather unbalanced Ranma.

"Ranma Saotome…" Kuno drawled. "I demand that you show me the pigtailed girl. For if you do, I shall bid you ado this day and be gone. This one day, I shall allow you to live without fear that my mighty retribution shall destroy you."

"Nuh uh. Not happinin'." Ranma stated, as he nonchalantly turned his face away from the enraged kendoist.

"You dare!? I offer you a day of truce and this is how you repay me!? Fine then! Have at—"

Kuno was unable to finish his speech as, all of a sudden an enormous "Boom," followed by a blasting explosion and a geyser rocketing forth from the Tendo home, propelled Ranma into the air, completely ruining his speech.

"WAAAAaaaaaahhhh…." Faded the young Saotome's voice as it changed to a feminine pitch and flew further and further from the home.

Kuno looked into the house, as the sliding door was open, and saw Kasumi soaked in water.

"Oh my… How in the world did that happen!?" She exclaimed suddenly.

"Verily," Kuno replied, "This holy house itself doth repel the vile Saotome. I thank you, eldest of my beloved."

Kuno made an extravagant bow to the eldest Tendo sister.

Akane sweat-dropped as she stared at the hole in the roof that had been made entirely from water.

Suddenly the feminine scream that had just faded from hearing, came back in the same way. Gaining in sound as the falling red-headed figured gained momentum.

"Aw, damnit this is gonna hurt!!" Came the scream, just before the tree borne kettle girl slammed into the Tendo lawn creating a small crater.

"My pigtailed tigress!" Kuno exclaimed.

Ranma's eyes swirled and swiveled as Tatewaki lifted her comatose form.

Slowly, Ranma drearily returned to consciousness and looked up into Kuno's eyes…

A loud crack, signaling a comedic broken nose echoed through the yard.

Akane's sweat drop still remained and even Kasumi had developed a slight one.

A short silence in which only the sound of Kuno's twitching was heard. It was broken quickly by rushed foot steps coming from the inner chambers of the Tendo home.

"H-hey! Is everyone, ok!?" Came the sound of a slightly out-of-breath middle Tendo sister.

Spotting all the currently present household members, including one recovering Kuno, Nabiki sighed in relief. "Heh… I… eh…"

"Na… Nabiki?" Kasumi questioned, politely. "W-what… was that…?"

Ah, you see dear reader, that Miss Nabiki Tendo had recently been entranced by something that very rarely entranced her. What this entrancement was, and what had truly occurred wasn't to be known however, to neither you, nor the various characters outdoors.

"Uh… well… Kasumi… could you um… help me?" Nabiki asked in the most un-Nabiki-like manner Nabiki had ever expressed.

"I… I suppose so." Kasumi replied, almost a little bit frightened. Even Akane didn't usually make actual _explosions!_ Most of the time anyway.

Nabiki grinned widely. "Great! Thanks sis! Come-on!" She exclaimed, giddily. Taking her elder sister's hand, Nabiki bounded into the house, towards the kitchen, where an odd black smoke was just beginning to seep around the door frames.

Ranma and Akane blinked as one. Kuno blinked, himself but as he was still twitching this went unnoticed.

"Is it just me, or is this day a little weirder than most? Even yesterday?" Ranma asked Akane, curiously.

Akane merely nodded, not having taken her eyes off the corner where her elder sisters had exited.

It was at that exact moment that Kuno recovered and stood.

"Pigtailed girl! Ah… perhaps that Saotome may have a small bit of good in his heart after all that he hath summoned you to my presence. Truly he knows his evils… I gracefully await the day of his atonement…" Kuno rambled tirelessly.

Ranma looked at him bug-eyed. Slowly, the red-head began to hug herself through his speech, tucking her head into her ample bosom and began whispering, "I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die."

As Ranma began to experience the first stage of a preordained death, that being widely known as "Denial," Akane sighed, annoyed. "Really Sempai, what is this all about?"

Kuno blinked, as if he had already stated his intentions. "Thou dost not know? Verily, I wish to invite both, and only thee and the pigtailed girl to a private diner—"

"Not interested. We're not dating you Kuno! Figure it out!" Akane interrupted harshly.

"Nay, for I would not be attending." Kuno replied, a touch too quickly.

Akane took a step back, shocked. "W-what?"

Meanwhile Ranma's whispering became louder and more strangled as she listened to the conversation. She sat on the ground and began to hug her knees to her chest…

"I would not be attending, my fairest lily. I have matters with which to see to on this day in another ward of this great city. I only truly wish to see both my red-haired rose, and you yourself, my lily Miss Tendo, in the purest state of satisfaction in my absence.

Akane blinked. "I.. uh… I…"

"_Oh MY! Nabiki! _Where in the world did you get so much_ Gunpowder? _And… Gasoline!? Nabiki is this…" A shout erupted from the confines of the home.

"Oh it's nothing big, the recipe said I'd need four more gallons or so…" Came the reply.

"Oh My _Goodness! _This says _"Radioactive Uranium!" _

"Oh yeah… heh, about that…" But the middle sister was interrupted.

"_Nabiki!! Why is there** arsenic** in my kitchen!?"_

In a completely nonchalant tone, Nabiki replied, "Seasoning spice."

The scream that suddenly erupted in the ears of all within the present _country_ was from not Genma, nor Soun, nor Akane, nor Ranma, nor was it Shampoo, nor Happosai, nor Cologne, nor even Ryoga! No. The scream came from the most seriously overstressed lungs of one Kasumi Tendo.

"I was just going to mix them in with the vegetable oil on the skillet! No big deal! Right…? That'll make it cook faster and give it a more… flavorful… taste…?" Came a very meek reply from Nabiki in a failing attempt to calm the nerves of her sister.

If the scream earlier was loud, then the one to follow it most likely managed to hurt the Jusenkyo Guide's ears. "**_GET!_ _OUT!_" **

Pitter patter of frantic feet up a staircase. Door slamming. Frantic, heavy breathing.

Suddenly Kasumi emerged from the house to look at the three, breathing heavily and _almost_ glaring. "I'm afraid… lunch will be a bit late this afternoon…"

Then the girl turned and strode back into the house towards the kitchen. The smoke wafting from that room had become a bit thicker as well.

All of them blinked in unison this time. Ranma had even been broken out of her preordained death symptom denial.

It was just one of those days that everything that _could_ happen, _did_ happen.

"Eh hum…" Kuno cleared his throat. "Tis true' my dearest. Here. Prithee take these. They will be your passes into the establishment. These cards contain 500,000 ¥ each. They are yours, flowers of my affection, but they are a one time offer that can only be spent by the two of you tomorrow, at any time after twelve o'clock, in the Urusaga Mall In Urawa. "My private limousine will be taking you there tomorrow at eleven o'clock if you wish."

He handed each of them a debit card of some sort. "I have reserved the entire mall for the two of you for your private entertainment. Please, do attend. But alas, my business will take me till late into the night tomorrow evening and I must leave now to begin. I must bid you both adieu. Pigtailed girl. Give Saotome-san my thanks for allowing you to grace yourself with my presence. But know that while there is truce today, tomorrow shall be his last day! Or… it would… if I didn't have business. So, my rose, my lily, please forgive me, but I shall be going. Sasuke!?"

As Kuno spoke both Ranma and Akane's jaws just dropped further and further and further with every word. Slowly, they inched towards each other as well, fear becoming the predominant features on their faces.

Sasuke appeared in an instant with the carriage behind him. Climbing into the carriage, Kuno turned back to his shocked "loves" and said. "May you be blessed on this day, my loves, and remember that I will return!"

With that… the carriage began roll away, Sasuke dragging it with a practiced ease.

Akane and Ranma had embraced each other by now in a non-intimate comfort-hug, terror being their only motivation.

"Ranma… what do you think heaven will be like?" Akane shuddered.

"A better place… a much, much better place, Akane…" Ranma shivered herself, holding the taller girl as both of them stared in stark horror at the retreating carriage.

"Please enjoy, my loves! I shall return soon! Fear not for me! My love for thee runs deeper then the greatest of all loves! Even though we shalt be parted, remember that my love runs through your veins like— URK!"

A dumbbell, thrown by a "snapped-out-of-it" Ranma knocked the man unconscious just as the carriage turned the corner out of the gate.

Breathing heavily, suddenly, Ranma blinked in surprise. Then, she turned back to a still dazed Akane. "Hey! Akane, look! We're both still alive!"

Akane shivered again… "That's what scares me…"

Turning serious once more, they both looked down at the cards they had been given. "So… ya think he's serious? Ranma?" Akane asked.

"Do you? He does have money to burn… I'm surprised he hasn't tried this before… Odd thing though… What do you think he'll be doing out of town?"

Akane waved Ranma off quite expertly. "Who cares? Besides, we aren't going anyways!" She chucked the card over her shoulder and listened to the slight "tings" it made on the stone sidewalk.

"Are you kidding Akane!? Five _Hundred **Thousand**_** Yen! **And no Kuno to bother me! There's no way I could turn this down! I wonder what I could use from a mall. It's probably a pretty small one. Even Kuno's family's got to have some financial limit but I bet I could finally get a heavier set of arm bracers… ooo… and Ice cream parfaits!"

Ranma trailed off, fantasizing about the things she could get with so much money.

As Ranma fantasized, Akane began to feel a little twinge of… compliance… "Well… it's just me and you right?" Akane asked suddenly.

Snapped out of her reverie Ranma turned back to Akane. "Hmm? Whad'ja say?"

"It'd just be you and me, Right Ranma?" Akane asked as she walked over to her card.

"Uh… yeah? And?"

Akane bent over to pick up the piece of plastic and looked at Ranma almost pleadingly. "Sorta… like a date…?"

Ranma froze. Ever since Saffron, he'd been wanting to ask Akane to go out on an actual date… one that didn't involve insane martial arts or… something… but he'd never actually.

"Um… y-yeah… Sorta like a date… um… would ya… uh… like ta go..? With me?" Ranma stuttered, haphazardly.

Akane's pleading look blossomed into a smile. "I'd love to Ranma…"

As you know dear reader, that any time something goes good for Ranma, something equally ten times worse has to happen in order to counter balance… well… god's will or something.

"You could get some clothes that make you look a little less flat, and maybe a cookbook or two to try and learn a little bit better and…"

"Nihao! Ranma! Is lunch-time! Xian Pu come with too too delicious new Stir Fry for husband to try!"

"Ranma honey! Try this new French Okonomiyaki I made! I call it, Pizz-ah!"

Akane twitched… and twitched again as her eyebrows furrowed.

"Hey… hey Akane, come-on! What did I say… wait! No! Don't!"

"DIE RANMA!" Akane screamed.

And with that, Ranma was launched once more into the air, screaming, to chat with the birdies and stars the clouds, all of which were either real or hallucinations dancing around his head.

* * *

**End Chapter**

* * *

Materia-blades moon: Happy. Content. 

I'm not dating still but the woman is not quite so confusing anymore. I started writing this quite a while ago and my mood has changed for the better in the past couple of weeks. To those who read, I'm sorry Mark in the Lace is taking so long. I finished the next chapter. Reread it. It sucked. I had to scrap the whole thing. I really hate doing that but it just didn't have the right flow… I'm three thousand words into the second draft now.

Wish me luck! In love and war! And writing as well!

To those who are going over to Afghanistan, this is a tribute. Bows Please come home safe. The guy who would be my Best Man if I ever get married is goin' to Afghan January Seventh. Wish him more luck than me. If anyone deserves it he does.

**Finally. Leave a review! It's been so long since I've gotten reviews!**

I tried to think up another, witty, subtle way to ask for reviews but I seem to have failed miserably.

Well! Until next! Enjoy this chapter!

P.S. Oh yeah! Um, character's are probably a big bit ooc. In good comedy, that's ok though right? Oh well. I just hope it made you laugh. Even if it is a little implausible.

Just wait until the scene I have planned in the next chapter! I KNOW you'll laugh then!

P.P.S. I HATE DENTISTS!


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